Smooth Fixes for Choppy Sentences

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—Bite-sized advice for better business writing—

July 17, 2019

Smooth Fixes for Choppy Sentences

“This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It's like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety.”

— Gary Provost, 100 Ways to Improve Your Writing

No one expects business correspondence to sound like a stanza from Maya Angelou, but workplace writing can have rhythm and flow.

If your writing sounds choppy or repetitive, try combining sentences through coordination and subordination. These combining strategies smooth out strings of short, halting sentences and emphasize the relationship between the ideas they connect.

What is coordination?

Coordination shows that ideas are equal in importance. You can use a coordinating conjunction to combine two or more choppy sentences. 

Coordinating Conjunctions

and, but, or, nor, so, yet, for

Halting: Building a savings account is important. Don’t neglect payments on your high-interest loans.

Smooth: Building a savings account is important, but don’t neglect payments on your high-interest loans.

Repetitive: A savings account protects against emergencies. It can fund down-payments on homes and cars. It comes with minimal risk.

Smooth: A savings account protects against emergencies, funds down-payments on homes and cars, and comes with minimal risk.

Different coordinating conjunctions signal different relationships.

  • And signals that two ideas are connected or have equal value.
  • But signals a shift in thinking or an unexpected twist.
  • Or signals a choice between options.
  • Nor signals that neither idea is applicable.
  • So signals that the next idea is the result of the first idea.
  • Yet signals an even stronger surprise than but.
  • For signals that the next idea caused the first idea.

What is subordination?

Subordination shows that one idea is less important than another. Use a subordinating conjunction to connect a less important idea to another sentence.

Subordinating Conjunctions

after, although, as, as if, as long as, because, before, if, in order that, provided that, since, so that, that, though, unless, until, when, where, whereas, while

Don't Say: Social Security provides retirement income. Social Security likely won't cover all your expenses for a comfortable lifestyle.

Do Say: While Social Security provides retirement income, it likely won't cover all your expenses for a comfortable lifestyle.

(Do you notice how the "Do Say" example not only focuses the attention on the more important idea but also demonstrates the relationship between the ideas?)

Don't Say: Social Security’s future is uncertain. You should set aside money for retirement.

Do Say: Because Social Security’s future is uncertain, you should set aside money for retirement.

You should set aside money for retirement because social security’s future is uncertain.

What punctuation should I use?

If you connect two sentences using a coordinating conjunction, place a comma before the conjunction. If you connect two sentences with a subordinating conjunction, place a comma after the clause with the conjunction (unless the clause comes last).

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Play the Editor!

Copy the email into a document and use coordination and subordination to create smoother sentences. (Scroll to the bottom to see a recommendation.)

Dear Robert:

Thanks for bringing your computer issue to my attention. Your concerns are understandable. I agree that the department is due for new computers.

Unfortunately, the cost of new computers can’t be built into this year’s budget. You bring up legitimate reasons for needing an upgrade. I will make it a priority for early next year.

Sincerely,
Gabriel
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Get More Support

Check out Write for Business for additional strategies for writing smooth sentences.

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Editor's Suggestion

Dear Robert:

Thanks for bringing your computer issue to my attention. Your concerns are understandable, and I agree that the department is due for new computers.

Unfortunately, the cost of new computers can’t be built into this year’s budget. Because you bring up legitimate reasons for needing an upgrade, I will make it a priority for early next year.

Sincerely,
Gabriel