|
Some sentences say nothing:
We met.
The reader has so many questions: Who met? About what? Where? When? Why? What resulted? Why are you telling me?
Other sentences are verbose:
Given the fact that we had the opportunity to get together and discuss what we planned to do, we got together and discussed what we planned to do.
That’s basically “We met” spread out over 28 words. It still says nothing, but loquaciously.
Readers want Goldilocks sentences—whose ratio of words to ideas is “just right.”
How can I fix a say-nothing sentence?
You can expand a say-nothing sentence by adding details that answer the reader’s questions.
We agreed.
Who agreed?
Marketing Director Lynne Robeson and I agreed.
Agreed to what?
Marketing Director Lynne Robeson and I agreed to the catalog copy for our new book series.
When did you agree?
During last week’s production meeting, Marketing Director Lynne Robeson and I agreed to the catalog copy for our new book series.
Ah, now we have a say-something sentence that answers the reader’s questions: It’s just right!
How can I fix verbose sentences?
Verbosity occurs when too many words express too few ideas:
With an eye toward innovating and implementing copy that provides the best possible product positioning for the new book series, we constructed catalog copy that utilized not only search-engine-optimized terms related to the subject matter dealt with in the new books series but also energetic words selected for the express purpose of selling the metaphorical sizzle on the proverbial steak.
That sentence is very pleased with itself. Why not? No one else will be.
To tame this forest, cut deadwood—words that don’t contribute to meaning but just take up space.
With an eye toward innovating and implementing copy that provides [To provide] the best possible product positioning for the new book series, we constructed catalog copy that utilized [used] not only search-engine-optimized terms related to the subject matter dealt with in the new books series but also energetic words selected for the express purpose of selling [to sell] the metaphorical sizzle on the proverbial steak.
The resulting sentence is “just right”:
To provide the best positioning for the new book series, we used not only search-engine-optimized terms but also energetic words selected to sell the sizzle on the steak.
How can I recognize deadwood?
Look for puffed-up, professorial language, and replace it with natural language.
(See a full listing of natural substitutions.)
Also, replace redundancies with plain language.
(See a full listing of redundancies and substitutions.)
(See a full listing of redundancies and substitutions.)
In addition, watch for relative clauses (starting with who, whose, whom, which, or that) and wordy prepositional phrases (starting with a preposition). Replace them with more concise language.
The reference that I purchased for the purpose of research is on the topic of the insects of the world.
I bought a research reference about insects.
|
